Bloody diapers, dairy-free cooking, and the worthwhile sacrifices of motherhood.
“Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out….” That’s what I kept telling myself as I totally and completely freaked out. There was blood in my baby’s diaper. I thought I’d seen something suspicious in the last couple of diapers, but not sure enough to let myself panic. I’d call the doctor on Monday and see what she said. Well, that was blood, and I was now fully prepared to panic.
Do kids ever get sick during the week? Or even during the day during the week? Nope. It’s like they keep a copy of the pediatrician’s office hours stashed in their onesies. So, Sunday afternoon found us on the road to the ER, my husband driving, me in the backseat next to the car seat as if there was something I could do by just sitting next to my baby. My husband dropped us off while he parked so I could start the check-in process. I nervously rocking the baby carrier as I filled out the paperwork. He wasn’t crying. He was just sitting there looking all tiny and helpless. Continue reading “Breastfeeding + Dairy Allergy = No fun”
Hard-earned lessons on letting go of perfectionism and embracing the messy realities of becoming a mother.
Y’all, when it comes to birthing, I was perfect. I had a vaginal, un-medicated birth and my daughter was healthy and beautiful. Aren’t you impressed? Well, hang on just a sec and let me give you a little context for my “perfection.”
When Rue came out all slippery and purple, the midwives placed this strange squish on my chest and I remember feeling… relief… then… not much. Lots of women talk about feeling a rush of overwhelming love when their babies are born, but not me. I was mostly just glad it was all over, and then everything else was a disconnected blur. I remember speaking in a voice that didn’t sound like my own. I remember staring at the swirl pattern her ears made. And I remember the disappointment. Everything, including my beautiful baby, looked perfect, but it felt far from it. Continue reading “The “Perfect” Birth”
One Mama’s journey from breastfeeding to exclusive pumping to formula, plus all the feelings along the way!
“Whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh whee ooh…”
The sound of my Medela has been a constant companion for the past five months, so it was only fitting to write this post while pumping. I’m halfway through the weaning process, so I’ve dropped from 5 pumps to 3 pumps a day, which already feels like an enormous amount of freedom. However, I think the hardest part is still ahead of me, both physically and emotionally. I’m ready to have my body back, but I feel guilty about weaning when I still have a full supply of milk.
I know (I think?) that it’s the best thing for me, to be happy and free to enjoy my baby rather than resentful about the time spent at the pump. I know that I’ve picked a good formula for him, and that he’s thriving and full of joy and life and sturdy and strong as ever. I still feel guilty that I’m not giving him the “best” that I can give him, and I feel especially ashamed that so many women give so much to continue to provide breastmilk for their babies, while I’m throwing in the towel and working harder to quit that I would have needed to work to continue. Continue reading “Breastfeeding, exclusive pumping, and beyond…”