Hello fellow babies!
For some reason, our mommies and daddies think that we’re innocent, helpless little things. This is great news for us! Not only do they do EVERYTHING for us, but they’re also completely clueless about how much we do to control them. For those babies who just arrived or who are looking for new ways to bring Mom and Dad in line, I’ve put together a handy guide to some of the best wrestling moves I know. Read on to find out how to defend against diaper changes, get your dad to put you down ASAP, and seek revenge when Mom won’t quit kissing you.
1. The Gator Death Roll: This move is best performed on the changing table (or any other elevated surface) for added scare-factor. As soon as Mom lays you down on your back, violently twist your body to the side and roll out of her grasp.
Advanced version: the “Dirty Death Roll” (wait till Mom removes your poopy diaper, then go for it!)
2. The Castrator: This is a Daddy-special, and is particularly effective once you’re tall enough that your feet reach his crotch while he’s holding you. When Dad picks you up, twist around until you’re facing outward, and then kick backwards as hard as you can with your heels.
Alternate version: the “V-ttack” (same technique, only aimed at Mom instead)
3. The Melon Baller: You know those two big shiny white balls in Mommy’s face? Your fingers are exactly the right size to grab them. She’ll yell and squeeze them shut, but keep scooping – I bet you can poke at least one of them eventually!
4. The Plexus Pounder: If Dad decides that you need to sit in his lap and be still, this is a great move to show your displeasure. Lean forward slightly, and then slam your head back into his chest as hard as you can. Do this repeatedly until he releases you.
5. The Bane: You know that guy in Batman with that mask on his face? If Mommy won’t stop talking or kissing you, use your hands to do the same thing on her mouth. It doesn’t matter if she clipped your nails two minutes ago; they’re still sharp enough to get a good grip!
6. The Sonic Squeal: Proximity to Mom’s ear is key here. Wait till she picks you up, and then screech as loudly as you can at the highest pitch possible. Bonus points for making her momentarily deaf (she won’t be able to hear you opening the door to escape after she drops you!).
7. The Dilophosaurus: For those babies whose parents haven’t shown them Jurassic Park yet, the Dilophosaurus is a dinosaur who spits foul goop into the bad guy’s face. As a baby, you have several “foul goop” options available to you: spit-up, snot, drool, vomit, and even poop (if you get creative with your positioning). This move is excellent for temporarily incapacitating your opponent parent, as they will likely start gagging and retching as soon as you projectile-vomit into their mouth.
8. The Tarzan: Once you’re old enough to walk, you can use this move to slow Dad down enough so that you can force him to bend to your will. Simply reach up and grab his hands, then drop your body weight so that you’re swinging freely. Dad will be forced to stop to catch you, and then he’s at your mercy.
9. The Godzilla: This move is perfect for babies of any mobility level, because moms and dads always insist on building things directly in front of us. Wait until they finish whatever they’re building, and then wildly flail your arms at it (you can screech here too for good effect). It’s even better if you crawl or run through the resulting destruction to really drive your point home.
With this handy guide, you too can have complete control over your mommy and daddy. Just remember to intersperse lots of cute smiles, giggles, and the occasional cuddle into your routine so that they don’t suspect your motives (or kick you out of the house).